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Writer's pictureShary Gentry

The Art of Conversation

Updated: May 20

One morning Mark was cuddling with Ali on our oversized chair while John, Ali, and I watched a show in which he had little interest. We were enjoying each other's company. 


Twice, Mark asked Ali if she would take him for a ride in her car. 


"Yes," she said the first time without giving details. 


"Where would you like to go?" she asked the second time.


"I want to go for a ride in Ali's car," he said.


Ali correctly read this not as an inability to say where he wanted to go but an honest response of wanting just to ride. He loves the company, the music playing, and the rhythm of the ride. 


"What songs would you like to hear during the ride?" she added.


"The songs in Ali's car," he said. Again, she heard his message: he likes her music, which is different from the songs he knows. 

 

Next, she outlined the day's schedule a little for him and went back to watching the show, but after a few more minutes he started to cry. 


Ali didn't yell or ask him why he was upset. Does any one of us want criticism or interrogation when we're upset? She made an educated guess about why he was worked up.


"Remember what I said a few minutes back? We're going to finish this episode of the show, then I'll take a shower, and then we'll go for a ride in my car."


Mark wiped his tears and started to giggle, reassured that she had not forgotten him. 


Why is it hard to find babysitters for kids with autism? Simple exchanges like this get misinterpreted by well-meaning people. A barrage of questions, an ignoring of tears, or a dismissive "you're okay" might have lead to frustration, anxiety, or anger on Mark's part.


Caregivers say, "We were just sitting there happy and then all of a sudden he was upset." Rarely is that the case. Ali avoided a bad situation by making sure Mark knew what was coming and when, in terms he understood, and her tone reminded him that he had the ability to wait.


Autism is hard, and more so even when kids are not verbal, but with better listeners the world becomes a less complicated place. Let's see behavior as communication and hear what our sweet kids are saying.

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